F*CK, MARRY, CLIFF…PICKING THE LESSER OF THREE EVILS

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It’s slim pickings nowadays in the online dating world.  I think the picture above says it all.  I have not been going on many dates lately because I have been contacted by creepy, creepier, and creepiest.  They just progressively get worse.  It’s extremely discouraging and further supports my previous sentiments about online dating but for some reason I am still on the website. I can’t complain, I have gotten some great stories out of it and pictures to boot.

As I looked through the visitors who contacted me, the game Fuck, Marry, Cliff came to mind.  Your friend would name either 3 really awesome people or 3 really awful people and you’d have to pick who you would fuck, who you would marry, and who you would throw off a cliff.  I know it’s a sick game but I didn’t make it up and most people have played it at some point in their life.  So the picture above reminded me of that game and my immediate reaction was to throw myself off the cliff…in every scenario.  I’m sure some of them are great people but that doesn’t mean I have any interest.  Especially when the first impression is an embarrassing screen name, questionable picture, and/or a boring or uncomfortable message.

Let’s examine the average visitor who contacts me from the random sample above.  Okay, Papi Da S. is the least harmless but anyone who refers to themselves in third person as Papi will probably not be my soulmate.  So let’s start with TD.  Was this glamour shot taken before the Key Club Intergenerational Prom or is this just business cas?  Between the tux with the coattails and using the word fancy in his greeting (especially when it is asking if I would be interested in doing something) that’s already two strikes at first glance. Let’s move onto the next Don Juan, Graffin65.   For some reason I automatically assume he’s had a skin graft from looking at his screen name and picture.  Maybe a name change would be advisable.  Nevertheless, he looks like a solid candidate…for a free meth clinic.  Besides the fact that he was probably tweaking in Tompkins Square Park when I was born, he’s almost 20 years older than me.  That would be fine except for the fact that my profile explicitly says I’m looking for someone 28-36.  He was only about a decade off…give or take.  I hope he is on drugs if simple mathematics is a struggle at 48 years old.  I don’t know if we’ve saved the best for last but EagleCross is certainly special.  What really sealed the deal for me was his 1987 Miami Vice getup and the stimulating conversation, “Hi”.  I hope he’s not depending on his wit and good fashion sense to win people over.

Since I’m not someone who avidly looks for dates, I usually only go on the site when someone messages me.  Unfortunately, the characters above are the usual suspects contacting me so last time I took a glance at the visitors section.  I came across a really disturbing profile that put everything into perspective.  Warning: This may not be appropriate for people with sight.

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Yes, that is a tattoo of Jesus and Lucifer on his chest.  Yes, he drinks water on the reg and was a cheerleader in high school.  He’s one bad ass cheerleader.  His pictures may be disturbing but his sob story about his Miniature Dachshund, which seems like an appropriate breed for him, brought some depth and humanity to his character.  His entire profile was one big cliche but I highlighted the most important parts.  He wasn’t even the weirdest guy just the most notable that looked at my profile in the past day.  This made the list of guys who contacted me look better and better each second.  I might have to reevaluate that Fuck, Marry, Cliff game…or just wait until someone who seems like a viable option contacts me.

The one thing I do appreciate about the Goth Cheerleader is that he is realistic.  I think he could tell that we probably weren’t a good fit just by looking at pictures and my profile.  I may have a tattoo on my chest of a devil’s pitchfork busting through a Star of David and only wear leather chaps on Saturdays, but that’s private.  He could probably tell his hair band facade was too hard core for me.  Seriously though, these sites are supposed to be convenient AND help you to avoid meeting someone who has nothing in common with you.  That’s what the short profile is for.  No, my profile does not capture all of me but it is a good starting point to see if we have similar interests and are attracted to each other.  I give a good enough description of who I am and clearly state what I’m looking for.  If you’re too lazy to read or just don’t care then you better have something amazing to grab my attention.  “You’re pretty” and “Hi” don’t quite cut it.  You need to be smart, witty, or so handsome that I couldn’t refuse a date.  All three separately are pretty rare so hoping for a triple threat is pretty unrealistic.

That’s all I’m asking for.  Some realistic expectations.  I don’t think I’m Bar Refaeli but I’m also not contacting someone that looks like David Beckham.  There’s being bold and having courage to contact someone, which I fully support.   And then there’s being completely out of your league.  This is not determined just on looks but intelligence, morals, and interests.  Opposites do attract but there’s at least something that holds a common bond.  So to improve your chances and your self esteem, a good rule is to list three things about the person you like or interests you (besides thinking they’re hot and wanting to bang them) before you make contact or respond.

So if you ever find yourself picking the lesser of two, three, or four evils, do nothing.  Don’t settle!  Someone good for you is out there and if not online then somewhere.  Adjust your expectations of yourself and others and the dating process gets better.  I’ve recently done this for myself and I am actually talking to a few guys with potential.  Now at least I’m having conversations and going on dates with people that I actually want to meet.  If it goes horribly wrong then at least my readers have something to laugh about.

To everyone celebrating Passover, Easter, and Holi- Cheers!  To staying away from the cliff and finding someone you can fuck and marry!  Happy Holidays!

-Bev

He’s Just Not That Into Himself…A Guide to Men’s Overcompensation

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There is a misconception that women are the insecure gender. Yes, girls criticize themselves and are socialized to believe if we’re not supermodels then we’re not attractive or perfect just the way we are. But what about men? No one ever discusses the insecurities that plague men because if a guy shows weakness he’s looked down upon or called a pussy. By no means do I want a guy who is crying all the time but being in touch with your feelings is not a bad thing! How can you be secure if you are not honest with how you feel about yourself?  The answer is NOT all men are secure.

I didn’t conduct an experiment with a control group but my exposure to men has lead me to this conclusion.  Since I began online dating again, I’ve noticed that most of the guys I am talking to have something in common, low self esteem.  However, it would not appear that way to the naked eye.  Many come off as cocky and overcompensate whether it’s how much money they have or how far along in their career they believe they are.  But it’s those little comments and gestures that blow their poker face.

Let me give you a clear example:

I was talking to this guy, we’ll call him Peter Griffin (explanation to follow), and he immediately asked me if I liked his pictures.  Peter had actually contacted me on another site a few years back and used the same pictures so I knew these were not recent.  There was the first hint of deception.  The old picture.  This will probably come up in every post but, come on, if you don’t look like your picture then don’t post it!  Then he asked me if I look like my pictures.  He pressed this topic for a while as I reassured him I wasn’t a 56 year old man pleasuring himself at the public library computer.  He kept talking about how we were both really good looking people (and pointed out how people tell him he’s handsome all the time).  He then pat himself on the back for his sexual prowess.  Peter noted quite a few times how long he could go for yet he hadn’t asked for my name yet.  I agreed to go out with him because he lives close and has a Labradoodle (as do I).  I thought, if nothing else, I would have another friend at the dog park.

The date.  Peter Griffin took me to a cafe that was cute but more so for meeting an old friend for coffee.  This was Saturday night and the nicest meal they had on the menu was a burger and fries.  But he was classy, he brought champagne, Korbel, and had it chilling for my arrival.  As I expected, he did not look like his pictures.  Coincidently his first question was, “So, do I look like my pics?”.  What am I supposed to say?  No, you have less hair, are 50 pounds heavier, and might be batting for the other team.  Then he went on to tell me about his new exercise regimen and low carb diet (he offered me some dieting tips…yup), what he had for lunch, what he has for lunch on a regular work day, and how he already feels lighter and more energetic.  Peter didn’t forget to mention the amazing apartment he has and how much money it costs, the new cars he gets every year (from a Hassidic family in Brooklyn?), and how he’s a “musician”.  FYI, owning a guitar and singing along with the radio does not make you a musician.

I hate goodbyes but this one I was looking forward to.  As we’re walking out he offers to drive me to my apartment since he thoughtfully picked a place that was closer to his apartment.  Unfortunately I don’t live in a city that you can just hail a cab so I decided to take him up on his offer…among other things.  He said he had to go into his apartment to get his keys.  He showed off his mediocre apartment, okay the view was amazing but this was nothing compared to what he made it seem.  He kept trying to show me his room and his king sized bed.  As deeply impressed as I was by his ability to furnish an apartment, I wasn’t that interested and wanted to get home.  I asked to use the bathroom and when I came out he called to me from his bedroom.  I walked in to find him laying on his bed naked (Castanza portrait-esq).  I was speechless, not because of his ballsy assumption that I’d want to have sex with him but that he looked so much like Peter Griffin from that episode of Family Guy where Peter’s bones disintegrate and he’s just a huge blob of fat.  I swear, the resemblance was uncanny!  He started to stretch and flex his leg to show off his assets.  He actually said, “Come feel.  I’m all muscle” and I couldn’t help but think “Under which layer of skin and fat?”.  I have nothing against overweight people but the way this guy spoke of himself you would think you were on a date with David Beckham, not the complete opposite.  As much as I enjoy awkward moments, this one needed to end.

But the journey continued.  I asked if he minded taking me home because I wasn’t feeling well, AKA was nauseous from the mental image of his naked body ingrained in my memory.  So he gets his clothes and brings them to the bathroom to dress (because being naked was ok but seeing him dress was off limits).  Then he was telling me how handy he is around the apartment and how he installed everything himself.  I inquired about the ceiling fan that was hanging from a wire and was one door slam away from crashing to the ground.  He conveniently didn’t work on that one. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, we get to the car and he puts on Nickelback and starts belting out “Never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing”.  I was embarrassed for him.  It was mostly his pride in liking bands like Nickelback and knowing every lyric to the songs as well as the key changes.  It didn’t stop there- he informed me that he just learned how to play this gem on the guitar!  Because hearing you play it will make it sound better, right?

Peter Griffin was just a walking contradiction. This guy had cajones!  Not only did he strip naked and try to seduce me but I was able to call him out on every lie and exaggeration that came out of his mouth.  To me he screamed insecure!  In an attempt to overcompensate for his shortcomings he came off as self conscious of his appearance, his finances, his masculinity, sexual capacity, and his musical ability (or lack there of).  Note that this behavior is typical for people with low self esteem.  Masking it with a facade only goes so far.  Your true nature will always show as it did in the Family Guy episode with the real Peter Griffin and now with the fake Peter Griffin, case in point.

To the nervous daters out there, you are not alone.  No one is completely secure but the more you confront these insecurities the better chance you have of overcoming them.  Don’t let these over confident personalities fool you.  Just because issues may not be visible right away doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Like a braless girl in a see through shirt, you might be covered in fabric but we can still see your nipples.

Do: Live a naked life.  Be honest with yourself and your feelings.

Don’t: Actually get naked…especially as a surprise after the first date.  That’s one jack we don’t need popping out of the box.

A toast to living naked because eventually you will have to strip and bare all.

Stay Tuned!

-Bev

Online Blind Dating: Adding Insult to Injury

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What happens when a dating site blocks all pictures?  CHAOS!!!  And probably a major decline in traffic.  Let’s be honest.  Most people on dating websites are there to find people they’re attracted to, at least initially.  The profile serves as a supplement but many users don’t even take a glimpse at your efforts to be witty, sexy, and attractive through the written word.  Recently, one of these dating sites implemented a “Crazy Blind Dating” app and blocked all pictures for a whole day.  People went nuts and were writing really hostile statuses while probably 1% of the site was ok with it.  Newsflash- That 1% probably never shows a picture.  Personally, I think they should implement a day when you HAVE to show a picture…and one that’s not a decade old. My assumption is that this new app is not a huge hit and someone is probably jobless.

Why would you choose to go on a blind date when you can see what they look like?  Blind dates served a purpose when you were unable to show a picture but we’re not in 1989 or in North Korea.  Dating online is awkward enough, I don’t think it needs blind dating to add another element of surprise.  And from personal experience, they are usually shocking and not in a good way.

My friends and parents (ahem MOTHER) try to set me up all the time.  My grandma is the worst though.  She always tries to set me up with an orthodox cousin at some family function.  Brings a new meaning to “keeping it in the family”.  Flattered, but not interested.  I did however go on a few blind dates that support my stance on the subject.

My top three blind date stories:

1.  I was set up with a friend of a friend’s brother because we were both single in New York.  Usually that is a starting off point for commonalities but that’s all the information I got about him besides his age and location.  We were off to a great stop, but I agreed to go because hey, you never know!  Plus I figured my friend knows me enough to judge if I’d be a good fit with someone.  So, I got to the bar early and got a bar table.  All of a sudden a surge of men came in, one better looking than the next.  Some would glance at me and I’d get excited but they would either walk by or wave to someone they know.  Then a short potbelly guy with an acid washed shirt and fleece vest walks in and my stomach sank.  I was thinking, “Please don’t be my date, please don’t be my date”.  Then I hear, “Bev?”.  Despite every instinct I had to walk out, I stayed and gave him a chance.  Maybe he had a really good personality or was really funny?  Nope, the only thing good about him was his appetite.  I had to sit through an entire dinner with him, having only ordered a salad while he ordered the left side of the menu.  When the check comes I always offer to pay but before I had the chance to he asked if we could split it.  Then the check came back and there were $3.00 to split.  He pocketed the $2.00 and was like, “Here you want this?” and slid the dollar over to me.  Thanks for your generosity but you definitely need that more than I do.  Needless to say, we never spoke again.

2.  I get a call from my Mom and had no idea what I was getting myself into by picking up the phone.  She was standing with her friend’s son and his fiance and asked me in front of them if I wanted to get set up with the girl’s brother.  I got the whole pitch and got cornered into saying yes.  The girl was standing next to my mother describing her brother and could probably hear our phone conversation.  I couldn’t say no!  So I agree to meet him and again go to a bar to meet.  I had a hard day so needed a drink before he came.  When he showed up he said hi and then went straight to the bar.  Despite noticing my empty glass he did not offer to order me a drink.  Strike 1.  Then he sits down and I immediately notice his wandering eye (maybe he didn’t notice the empty glass after all).  It might have been nice to have mentioned that minor detail.  I had no idea where he was looking the entire time.  What was more off putting was that he was cocky and had an attitude.  Strike 2.  He had his phone out the entire time and was texting.  Then after he finished his drink (which was probably 10 minutes later) he picks his phone up- it didn’t ring or buzz- and tells me he has to leave for a work emergency.  Before I could get my coat on and look up he was halfway across the street running like his ass was on fire.  Strike 3!!

3.  The Ukrainian.  This was right after I had a bad break up with someone I had dated from Jdate.  So I immediately went back online to try and get my mind off of him by dating right away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention to who I was actually agreeing to meet.  With the Ukrainian, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore and they bit me in the ass.  First, he barely wrote anything in his two emails and had a sparse profile.  Second, he lived with his parents in Brooklyn (at age 29).  Third, his picture was about 500 feet away standing next to an American Flag pole.  That should have deterred me off the bat.  But I go to meet him outside Barnes and Noble in Union Square and see a guy with a striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies and, of course, that was my date.  I had that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t just leave him there so I went and introduced myself.  We decided to go to a bar as opposed to dinner.  I could not understand a word he was saying because he spoke broken English with a thick Ukrainian accent.  So the conversation was a lot of “sorry what?” and dead silence.  The bar was loud and crowded which didn’t help.  What I could tell was that we had nothing in common and a lack of conversation.  We get to the bar and I order a Kettle One and club soda.  He goes, “Thank god, I thought you were going to order vodka”.  That was my cue to go.

I saved the Ukrainian for last because that was the closest thing to an online blind date.  It was the worst date I’ve ever had and probably will ever have.  Now thinking back, that flagpole picture was probably when he literally got off the boat to Ellis Island.  If that was any indicator of what online blind dates would be like, then count me out.

Lesson learned: Photos, a profile, and an email are barely enough to know someone before a regular date.  Taking the picture away only lessens the chance that you will have a successful meeting.

If you are into uncomfortable situations then by all means try the Crazy Blind Dating app.  I prefer to keep the element of surprise strictly to presents…you can always return and exchange.  What I can’t get back is my time and the permanent image of Urkainian Sloth out of my head.

Thank you blind dates for the memories…and the nightmares.

-Bev

Bad Dates Come and Go…But Messages Are Forever!


  Bo the Black Swede

Yes, this message is real.  And no, I did not answer.

Along with online dating comes online communicating.  When you are in a bar, men are less likely to come up and try some cheesy pick up line or tell you exactly what’s on their mind.  But online, all caution is thrown to the wind.

The above message is only one of the many disturbing emails I have gotten.  Where do I start?  Does any guy seriously think that a girl is going to swoon over a proposal to be a fuck buddy, “I mean no disrespect”.  That’s ironic because your assumption that I would be interested in that is pretty disrespectful.  Luckily I don’t care and have a good sense of humor.  But be warned men…there is that “REPORT” button and there are people not afraid to use it.

I actually found this to be one of the funniest emails I have ever gotten.  As mentioned yesterday, this is the Black Swedish Sex Addict.  The only reason I mention race is because until recently a black guy in Sweden was about as common as Polio (post 1962).  When I think Scandinavian I picture a giant white guy with blond hair and blue eyes listening to bad techno (is there even good techno?).  So that caught me off guard initially.  But as I read on it only got better!

Boy does this guy have a way with words.  Who wouldn’t want to kick it and have crazy times in and out of bed with a friend with benefit?  Is there only one?  Obviously not because I had already laughed and hadn’t even gotten to his description.  Here’s where he put the hook in, “I’m fun, hung, and love to laugh”.  Now I feel better.  Because I wasn’t sure if I was going to go ahead and claim my benefit if he wasn’t hung.  But then he throws me a curveball, “he doesn’t like to beat under the bush”.  Was that a sexual innuendo?  I don’t know if he was trying to be witty or is just kind of stupid. I’m going to err on the side of caution and go with dumb but let’s also add weird to the list!  How did he manage to go from talking about sex and his penis to Scandinavian pastries???  Again, sexual innuendo?  I guess he was coming with guns fully loaded.  He had one chance and gave it all he got.

As disturbing and funny as this email is, you can tell this guy is not a dick.  He at least has the courtesy to be upfront with what he wants.  He’s also European so I’m attributing some of the weirdness to his culture.  I’ve gotten emails that are just like, “You’re hot.  Let’s get a hotel room now!” or “Honestly, do you like small penises?”.  He at least had a story, some personality, and actually seemed genuine.  My hat is off to you Black Swedish Sex Addict.  You managed to do something creepy in the most honest and nicest way possible.  I still don’t want to hook up with you but I have a little more respect for you.

Please tell me that other people get just as ridiculous emails?  I would love to hear about them!

Silver lining: At least he didn’t ask If I wanted some Negerbollar which translates to Negro balls.  (It’s a Swedish pastry…and actually goes by the more derogatory name in Sweden.  Here’s a link so you can be reassured I’m not a racist: http://superblog2.blogspot.com/2005/01/nazi-chocolate-balls.html )

All this kinky pastry talk has gotten me hungry.  Going to find myself some chocolate balls.  Maybe I should have contacted him after all.

Until tomorrow.

-The Big Baller Bev

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Sexual Predators

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Just when you thought speed dating was the new awful trend along comes online dating!  What happened to the days when you could meet people at a store, on the street, through work, or getting groceries?  It’s virtually non existent.  Thanks to the digital age, there is hardly human interaction besides hiding behind a computer to “meet” someone.  So in an effort to not be totally isolated, I have tried online dating to put myself out there and be “social”.

I know that online dating has worked for many people, but for me it is so forced!  Sitting through unbearable meals with embarrassing guys, having your date show up and he’s 100 pounds heavier than his picture, and listening to someone talk about themselves for 2 hours is painful.  Dating wrong guy after wrong guy each week is like giving yourself a little bit of poison on a daily basis.  Eventually you will build a tolerance and eventually I’ll meet the right guy.  Or so people say!  Many people I know, including one of my best friends, have met their partners on sites like Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid (let’s be honest…you’re only using E-Harmony if you’re desperate) so it does work.  I may be one to judge initially, but I’ll still always give things a try. So not only have I given online dating one chance, but over the past few years a bunch of chances (for extended periods of time).  The only things you can pretty much rely on from these sites are:

1.  Hot guys will be on there…but they most likely will not contact you.  If you contact them they are unlikely to respond. (This is where the initial blow to your ego comes into play)

2.  Good news!  People will always view your profile and message you.  Bad news: Most of  them are the guys you don’t want to date (socially awkward, unattractive, and boring).

3.  However, there are no worries about feeling unattractive because there’s always that sexual deviant out there who wants to bang you…and will let you know right off the bat.  You might as well go on Meganslaw.com and find a sex offender.  At least they’re registered.

So my experience hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine and it hasn’t been insanely awful either.  I seriously dated one person from a dating site years ago.  He turned out to be a narcissistic disgusting excuse for a human being.  I can say this because he told me he wished his ex girlfriend (from 10 years earlier) was dead so he didn’t have to think about her.  This was right after he broke up with me and told me that breaking up with me wasn’t the worst part of his day.  Finding out his ex had sex was.  Some men are totally oblivious, insensitive, and just outright stupid!  And recently I’ve been encountering a lot of them!

Unfortunately men and women are wired differently so we already have that against us.  How are we supposed to meet decent people out there?!  My answer is luck. It’s a numbers game and getting yourself out there in anyway you can increases your chances.  As much as I am not thrilled about meeting people on websites, you never know who you are going to meet.  Plus I have gotten a lot of great stories from my traumatic yet hysterical dates!

Stay tuned for some ridiculous dating disasters!  Sneak preview: A black swedish sex addict, an off the boat Ukrainian…literally…I met him at Ellis Island, a guy with a wandering eye (where do you look?), a Facebook stalker, and more!

Let’s hear some of your frustrations and stories?  I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing this!

Forever making lemons into Limoncello.  Because after this crap who doesn’t need a drink!

Bottoms up!

-Bev