Stalking Is The New Black

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Stalking is the new black.  Everyone’s doing it!  Why?  Because it’s extremely convenient thanks to the Internet.  Between websites like Facebook, Google, Linked In, and dating sites, a total stranger can know intimate details about your life.

The web allows us to get information at the touch of a button, which has many benefits.  It’s really helpful for employment, for example.  Whether it’s applying for a job online, posting your resume or CV on a site, or using a contact’s profile to find out their job history, interests, and some personal background.  If you are savvy you can apply this knowledge to find common ground and use that in your communication or approach.  The same can be said for dating.  Let’s say your friend wants to set you up or you are talking to someone of interest online, you can look that person up immediately by going to Facebook or Google.  Having a little bit more insight about a person is never a bad idea and eases your nerves and hesitation.

But on the flip side, this instant access is a lazy stalker’s dream.  Stalking used to involve intelligence, motivation, preparation, and movement of some sort.  Now, any Tom, Dick, or Harry within reach of a computer can find information about your family, location, employment, friends, interests, and the list goes on.  Put in the wrong hands this can be very dangerous as well as a pain in the ass.  Unfortunately I have had the pleasure of dealing with a semi-stalker.

I received a Facebook message from some guy who knew two random people I am “friends” with on the site.  I’m not sure if he thought I was blind or stupid but he pointed out that we had two friends in common.  I am a nice person so I answered but the only appropriate response I could think of was, “Cool”.  After about 10 minutes I get another message, “You’re really beautiful.  Do you have a boyfriend?”  I figured I’m single and this isn’t SO different from online dating so I told him I was not dating at the moment.  BIG MISTAKE.  He proceeded to ask when we were going to go on a date.  One thing I learned from social work is that you need to set boundaries and expectations right away in any relationship.  So I replied that I am single but not looking for anything serious.  He said of course but then proceeded to joke about how he wanted to marry me, more than once.  It made me a little uncomfortable but I figured he was just joking.

His picture was a headshot so I wanted to see what he really looked like.  I went to his profile but it was blocked.  I “friended” him and he would not accept.  I’m thinking why does some guy who wants to date me not want me to see what he looks like?  Maybe because someone who asks you out over Facebook is usually a creep.  But, as I pointed out in an earlier post about men’s low self esteem, He’s Just Not That Into You…Or Himself, he was just extremely insecure.  He told me how he was a few pounds bigger than his picture and didn’t want me to see him until he lost weight, so he wanted to wait for two weeks.  Was this guy taking Jack’s magic beans?  You’re still going to be heavier in two weeks.  His irrational thinking on top of his creepiness should have deterred me but I was lonely and trying to be open minded.  Also, he owned a chain of well-known supermarkets, that will remain nameless, and said he worked on the corporate end.  I figured he has a good job, isn’t completely poor which was different for me, and maybe his pictures were worse than he was in person.  So we decided to hang out as friends so there was no pressure.

The meet up was very relaxed and we just talked, had a beer, and other herbal refreshments.  At first he seemed funny but then he began to brag about how much money he had and his apartment on the Upper West side and then all of a sudden got really intense and he started to cry.  I don’t mean a tear, like a full fledge meltdown.  Being a social worker, I am always apt to try and help someone through a tough time so I sat and spoke to him for hours about his life problems.  He went on about how much he loves his mother and misses her and no girl will ever live up to her (she’s still alive), how he has no friends, trust issues, and is extremely sensitive…everything you want to share with someone you just met.  He was able to self soothe and calm down as I checked my watch repeatedly.  I broke up the party and said I had to go and he asked if I wanted to hang out again.  I wasn’t feeling this guy but he obviously didn’t deal well with rejection and I didn’t want to do that to him or unleash a psychopath on myself.  I was upfront and told him I would go but I didn’t think our relationship could go beyond a friendship and he said he’d be happy to have another friend.  Maybe since he didn’t have any friends he didn’t know what that meant.

A few weeks later, I was extremely stressed and busy as I was producing a pilot.  I would receive a text everyday from him, some disturbing message like “Hey Wifey”, “Can you get me a job?” (what happened to your fancy apartment and supermarket chain), and “I really wish I was with you right now”.  I hung out with him that weekend to get him off my back.  We went to dinner and I paid for my portion and didn’t hold his hand or kiss him when he made those attempts.  I’m not sure how I could have been more clear that I was not interested.  I was home and in bed at 11:00 PM on a Saturday night.  That’s obviously not the sign of a great date (if that’s what he thought it was).  I didn’t contact him after that since we were getting close to the shooting date.  He would hound me every day through Facebook, Text, Email, et cetera and I didn’t get back to him immediately because I was working 24/7.  I then get a ridiculous email from him saying, “You are such a tease.  You’re just like every other Jappy girl in New York City”.  Instead of just ignoring him and leaving it, I felt I had to defend myself.

A)     I am not a Jap.

B)    I don’t live in New York City.

C)    I could not have been more straight-forward about only wanting to be friends.

I explained to him that I don’t have time right now for anyone including myself.  I was working like crazy and barely had slept.  And then pointed out that if he was a friend or ever wanted to be in a relationship then he had to support people in their work.  This was my dream becoming a reality and some guy who I met on Facebook a week before was not going to change that.  He then said, “Well I thought I was part of that dream.  You lead me on so much”.  WOW.  How could you be part of my dream?  I just met you, explicitly said that I was not looking for a relationship, and warded off attempts to become intimate.  Look for the signs buddy.  They were all there.  Sorry you don’t have a job and have some major ADHD along with a debilitating emotional problem.

But I took the high road and said I was sorry he felt that way but I did nothing wrong and he can’t be mad at me for concentrating on work.  He then pointed out that I went out a few nights before.  That’s when it got a little freaky.  Someone had posted pictures from a birthday I went to a few weeks earlier and since he was stalking my profile he immediately assumed I had gone out and was just avoiding him.  He had good foresight but that was not the case at the moment.  He then threatened to hurt himself because of people like me.  Called me a bunch of names including a “harlot” and deactivated his account.  About a week later I get a message from him being like, “Hey what’s up Wifey?”.  I did not respond.  He continued to contact me until a month later FINALLY getting the hint.

I am starting to see why Sting and The Police wrote so many songs about stalkers.  I’ll Be Watching You and Don’t Stand So Close To Me have a whole new meaning.  Like Hansel, I don’t really listen to Sting’s music but the fact that he understands my experience, I respect him.  I’d like to see the relationship between Sting fans and the occurrence of restraining orders filed against them.  My bet is they would have a positive relationship.

Lesson learned.  Never again will I befriend or meet someone in person from Facebook unless I knew he/she prior to the Friend request.  Or date someone that wants to marry their mother.  Either way I’m done dealing with psychos.

Maybe if Supermarket Boy been an old school stalker he wouldn’t have the weight problem that may have caused the extreme emotional issues.  He was going to be a psycho either way but at least he could have been a healthy and fit psycho.  Just because you are a creep doesn’t mean you have to totally give up!  Sidenote: He wore sweatpants the first time I met him.

In the spirit of stalking, I need to head into the city since one of my favorite actresses is in the same part of Mexico.  Dee Reynolds, I’m coming for ya!  But don’t worry, I’m an active and harmless stalker.  I’ll just follow you, buy you drinks and take your picture…the honorable way of stalking.

-Bev

Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover…Unless It’s “Mein Kampf”

Mein Kampf

We’re always told, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” and I’m here to tell you to judge it.  Yes, when you are literally talking about a book maybe that advice applies but when referring to people the proverb doesn’t quite hold water.  The famous phrase isn’t “Love at first good conversation” for a reason.  As shallow as it sounds, attraction is the initial driving force in a relationship.  I’m not saying someone’s personality can’t help or be a deal breaker, but looks are definitely important, especially in the beginning.

A picture says a thousand words and they’re not all necessarily benevolent.  There is a creep factor that seems to seep through pictures if you are in fact a creep.  It’s this little thing we like to call intuition.  If someone looks off, they most likely are off.  However, I grew up being told to give people chances regardless of looks because attraction is something that can develop.  Yes, maybe if you were friends first or met in person, but online it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I have already given a few examples of my tumultuous relationship with dating, but here’s another one that supports my argument:

For this round of online dating I have really been trying to find someone with similar interests and what can be perceived as a good personality (from the little information you have on a website) and a good match for me.  This guy contacted me and my first reaction to his pictures was a weird feeling in my gut.  I decided that I needed to be open minded and look at the whole profile and to my surprise I was actually laughing out loud.  *Side note: If you can make me laugh, it’s pretty much a guarantee I’ll give you a shot.*  I replied and we had some good banter back and forth.  Some questionable areas of conversation arose about family and upbringing.  The only person he has a relationship with is his Dad and he moved around his whole life (a ton in recent years) so he did not have a huge family or social circle.  That should have been my second red flag after my gut reaction.

Despite the fact that my creep alarm was on high alert, I agreed to meet him.  My rationalization was that I am looking for a relationship so being open to different people and situations is part of the deal.  Much to my dismay, the date didn’t go well from the very beginning.

I was pulling up to the restaurant in my car trying to find parking when I saw this really short guy flipping his hair, like Justin Beiber, in a full Adidas sweatsuit and what looked like K Swiss sneakers.  I, of course, knew this was my date and again my stomach sank a little.  I found parking and walked up to him as he kept doing the hair flip.  As he turned toward me, it was like I was staring at the poster child for the Aryan race with what appeared to be a boil on his face the size of a walnut.  Awesome.  Off to another great start!

So we sit down to dinner in an overly crowded but, thankfully, dimly lit area of the restaurant.  For a few minutes we did have a good conversation and some laughs (if a third party came along they would think we were having a great date).  We started talking about holidays with the family and how he had missed that growing up.  I actually felt bad and thought maybe he was a good person with a bad sense of style and skin problems.  Wrong, I began to talk about one of my family’s Passover seders when he asked what a seder was.  I explained that I’m Jewish and on Passover we have a seder and gave him a quick history behind it.  He then replied, “Oh you’re Jewish?”.  After that things went downhill.  I kept staring at the boil as he spoke of his family roots.  Immediately after I declared my Jew status, he informed me that his grandparents were most likely Nazis in Germany, and said this while smiling.  The creep vibe started to spread through out my body as the conversation spiraled to a crashing stop.  I thought, am I really desperate enough to be taking dates with Hitler Youth?

Love may be blind but unfortunately so is desperation. All the signs were there to begin with.  Had I just trusted my intuition, I could have avoided this confusing/alarming date with the boiled faced anti-semite.  He had the appearance of a German Men’s Junior soccer player and the essence of a rapist.  Combine that with the Nazi ancestry and I was pretty much in hell.  I now have a rule that if I have a gag reflex to your picture, for any reason, I’m moving onto the next contestant.

Dating should be mostly fun and giving everyone under the sun a chance does not do you any good.  It’s admirable to not be shallow or materialistic but I rather not have to deal with a neo Nazi with a penchant for nomadic living.  I’m starting to theorize that his moving around was not a coincidence!  Let’s just say the FBI’s most wanted list now has more meaning in my life.

Basically, if the picture is not up to par then the person probably isn’t either.  It’s good to take pride in how you look and present yourself, even in a profile.  It says a lot about you and is a good way to separate the possible mates from the improbable.  Plus if you’re attracted from just a picture and profile…that’s not a bad sign.  Use caution when: A person has only one picture that is a self pic, far away shots, mug shots (or anything resembling), or has a picture that causes a physical reaction.  Those are warning signs to stay away.  Ignoring them does not make you a better person and will most likely involve an awkward or uncomfortable situation that leaves you right where you started.  Maybe a little bit more disturbed but still single and looking.

So the decision is up to you.  Judge a book by it’s cover or don’t.  But ask yourself this, do you really want to be the face on the milk carton?

Until the next charmer,

Bev

He’s Just Not That Into Himself…A Guide to Men’s Overcompensation

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There is a misconception that women are the insecure gender. Yes, girls criticize themselves and are socialized to believe if we’re not supermodels then we’re not attractive or perfect just the way we are. But what about men? No one ever discusses the insecurities that plague men because if a guy shows weakness he’s looked down upon or called a pussy. By no means do I want a guy who is crying all the time but being in touch with your feelings is not a bad thing! How can you be secure if you are not honest with how you feel about yourself?  The answer is NOT all men are secure.

I didn’t conduct an experiment with a control group but my exposure to men has lead me to this conclusion.  Since I began online dating again, I’ve noticed that most of the guys I am talking to have something in common, low self esteem.  However, it would not appear that way to the naked eye.  Many come off as cocky and overcompensate whether it’s how much money they have or how far along in their career they believe they are.  But it’s those little comments and gestures that blow their poker face.

Let me give you a clear example:

I was talking to this guy, we’ll call him Peter Griffin (explanation to follow), and he immediately asked me if I liked his pictures.  Peter had actually contacted me on another site a few years back and used the same pictures so I knew these were not recent.  There was the first hint of deception.  The old picture.  This will probably come up in every post but, come on, if you don’t look like your picture then don’t post it!  Then he asked me if I look like my pictures.  He pressed this topic for a while as I reassured him I wasn’t a 56 year old man pleasuring himself at the public library computer.  He kept talking about how we were both really good looking people (and pointed out how people tell him he’s handsome all the time).  He then pat himself on the back for his sexual prowess.  Peter noted quite a few times how long he could go for yet he hadn’t asked for my name yet.  I agreed to go out with him because he lives close and has a Labradoodle (as do I).  I thought, if nothing else, I would have another friend at the dog park.

The date.  Peter Griffin took me to a cafe that was cute but more so for meeting an old friend for coffee.  This was Saturday night and the nicest meal they had on the menu was a burger and fries.  But he was classy, he brought champagne, Korbel, and had it chilling for my arrival.  As I expected, he did not look like his pictures.  Coincidently his first question was, “So, do I look like my pics?”.  What am I supposed to say?  No, you have less hair, are 50 pounds heavier, and might be batting for the other team.  Then he went on to tell me about his new exercise regimen and low carb diet (he offered me some dieting tips…yup), what he had for lunch, what he has for lunch on a regular work day, and how he already feels lighter and more energetic.  Peter didn’t forget to mention the amazing apartment he has and how much money it costs, the new cars he gets every year (from a Hassidic family in Brooklyn?), and how he’s a “musician”.  FYI, owning a guitar and singing along with the radio does not make you a musician.

I hate goodbyes but this one I was looking forward to.  As we’re walking out he offers to drive me to my apartment since he thoughtfully picked a place that was closer to his apartment.  Unfortunately I don’t live in a city that you can just hail a cab so I decided to take him up on his offer…among other things.  He said he had to go into his apartment to get his keys.  He showed off his mediocre apartment, okay the view was amazing but this was nothing compared to what he made it seem.  He kept trying to show me his room and his king sized bed.  As deeply impressed as I was by his ability to furnish an apartment, I wasn’t that interested and wanted to get home.  I asked to use the bathroom and when I came out he called to me from his bedroom.  I walked in to find him laying on his bed naked (Castanza portrait-esq).  I was speechless, not because of his ballsy assumption that I’d want to have sex with him but that he looked so much like Peter Griffin from that episode of Family Guy where Peter’s bones disintegrate and he’s just a huge blob of fat.  I swear, the resemblance was uncanny!  He started to stretch and flex his leg to show off his assets.  He actually said, “Come feel.  I’m all muscle” and I couldn’t help but think “Under which layer of skin and fat?”.  I have nothing against overweight people but the way this guy spoke of himself you would think you were on a date with David Beckham, not the complete opposite.  As much as I enjoy awkward moments, this one needed to end.

But the journey continued.  I asked if he minded taking me home because I wasn’t feeling well, AKA was nauseous from the mental image of his naked body ingrained in my memory.  So he gets his clothes and brings them to the bathroom to dress (because being naked was ok but seeing him dress was off limits).  Then he was telling me how handy he is around the apartment and how he installed everything himself.  I inquired about the ceiling fan that was hanging from a wire and was one door slam away from crashing to the ground.  He conveniently didn’t work on that one. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, we get to the car and he puts on Nickelback and starts belting out “Never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing”.  I was embarrassed for him.  It was mostly his pride in liking bands like Nickelback and knowing every lyric to the songs as well as the key changes.  It didn’t stop there- he informed me that he just learned how to play this gem on the guitar!  Because hearing you play it will make it sound better, right?

Peter Griffin was just a walking contradiction. This guy had cajones!  Not only did he strip naked and try to seduce me but I was able to call him out on every lie and exaggeration that came out of his mouth.  To me he screamed insecure!  In an attempt to overcompensate for his shortcomings he came off as self conscious of his appearance, his finances, his masculinity, sexual capacity, and his musical ability (or lack there of).  Note that this behavior is typical for people with low self esteem.  Masking it with a facade only goes so far.  Your true nature will always show as it did in the Family Guy episode with the real Peter Griffin and now with the fake Peter Griffin, case in point.

To the nervous daters out there, you are not alone.  No one is completely secure but the more you confront these insecurities the better chance you have of overcoming them.  Don’t let these over confident personalities fool you.  Just because issues may not be visible right away doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Like a braless girl in a see through shirt, you might be covered in fabric but we can still see your nipples.

Do: Live a naked life.  Be honest with yourself and your feelings.

Don’t: Actually get naked…especially as a surprise after the first date.  That’s one jack we don’t need popping out of the box.

A toast to living naked because eventually you will have to strip and bare all.

Stay Tuned!

-Bev

Online Blind Dating: Adding Insult to Injury

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What happens when a dating site blocks all pictures?  CHAOS!!!  And probably a major decline in traffic.  Let’s be honest.  Most people on dating websites are there to find people they’re attracted to, at least initially.  The profile serves as a supplement but many users don’t even take a glimpse at your efforts to be witty, sexy, and attractive through the written word.  Recently, one of these dating sites implemented a “Crazy Blind Dating” app and blocked all pictures for a whole day.  People went nuts and were writing really hostile statuses while probably 1% of the site was ok with it.  Newsflash- That 1% probably never shows a picture.  Personally, I think they should implement a day when you HAVE to show a picture…and one that’s not a decade old. My assumption is that this new app is not a huge hit and someone is probably jobless.

Why would you choose to go on a blind date when you can see what they look like?  Blind dates served a purpose when you were unable to show a picture but we’re not in 1989 or in North Korea.  Dating online is awkward enough, I don’t think it needs blind dating to add another element of surprise.  And from personal experience, they are usually shocking and not in a good way.

My friends and parents (ahem MOTHER) try to set me up all the time.  My grandma is the worst though.  She always tries to set me up with an orthodox cousin at some family function.  Brings a new meaning to “keeping it in the family”.  Flattered, but not interested.  I did however go on a few blind dates that support my stance on the subject.

My top three blind date stories:

1.  I was set up with a friend of a friend’s brother because we were both single in New York.  Usually that is a starting off point for commonalities but that’s all the information I got about him besides his age and location.  We were off to a great stop, but I agreed to go because hey, you never know!  Plus I figured my friend knows me enough to judge if I’d be a good fit with someone.  So, I got to the bar early and got a bar table.  All of a sudden a surge of men came in, one better looking than the next.  Some would glance at me and I’d get excited but they would either walk by or wave to someone they know.  Then a short potbelly guy with an acid washed shirt and fleece vest walks in and my stomach sank.  I was thinking, “Please don’t be my date, please don’t be my date”.  Then I hear, “Bev?”.  Despite every instinct I had to walk out, I stayed and gave him a chance.  Maybe he had a really good personality or was really funny?  Nope, the only thing good about him was his appetite.  I had to sit through an entire dinner with him, having only ordered a salad while he ordered the left side of the menu.  When the check comes I always offer to pay but before I had the chance to he asked if we could split it.  Then the check came back and there were $3.00 to split.  He pocketed the $2.00 and was like, “Here you want this?” and slid the dollar over to me.  Thanks for your generosity but you definitely need that more than I do.  Needless to say, we never spoke again.

2.  I get a call from my Mom and had no idea what I was getting myself into by picking up the phone.  She was standing with her friend’s son and his fiance and asked me in front of them if I wanted to get set up with the girl’s brother.  I got the whole pitch and got cornered into saying yes.  The girl was standing next to my mother describing her brother and could probably hear our phone conversation.  I couldn’t say no!  So I agree to meet him and again go to a bar to meet.  I had a hard day so needed a drink before he came.  When he showed up he said hi and then went straight to the bar.  Despite noticing my empty glass he did not offer to order me a drink.  Strike 1.  Then he sits down and I immediately notice his wandering eye (maybe he didn’t notice the empty glass after all).  It might have been nice to have mentioned that minor detail.  I had no idea where he was looking the entire time.  What was more off putting was that he was cocky and had an attitude.  Strike 2.  He had his phone out the entire time and was texting.  Then after he finished his drink (which was probably 10 minutes later) he picks his phone up- it didn’t ring or buzz- and tells me he has to leave for a work emergency.  Before I could get my coat on and look up he was halfway across the street running like his ass was on fire.  Strike 3!!

3.  The Ukrainian.  This was right after I had a bad break up with someone I had dated from Jdate.  So I immediately went back online to try and get my mind off of him by dating right away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention to who I was actually agreeing to meet.  With the Ukrainian, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore and they bit me in the ass.  First, he barely wrote anything in his two emails and had a sparse profile.  Second, he lived with his parents in Brooklyn (at age 29).  Third, his picture was about 500 feet away standing next to an American Flag pole.  That should have deterred me off the bat.  But I go to meet him outside Barnes and Noble in Union Square and see a guy with a striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies and, of course, that was my date.  I had that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t just leave him there so I went and introduced myself.  We decided to go to a bar as opposed to dinner.  I could not understand a word he was saying because he spoke broken English with a thick Ukrainian accent.  So the conversation was a lot of “sorry what?” and dead silence.  The bar was loud and crowded which didn’t help.  What I could tell was that we had nothing in common and a lack of conversation.  We get to the bar and I order a Kettle One and club soda.  He goes, “Thank god, I thought you were going to order vodka”.  That was my cue to go.

I saved the Ukrainian for last because that was the closest thing to an online blind date.  It was the worst date I’ve ever had and probably will ever have.  Now thinking back, that flagpole picture was probably when he literally got off the boat to Ellis Island.  If that was any indicator of what online blind dates would be like, then count me out.

Lesson learned: Photos, a profile, and an email are barely enough to know someone before a regular date.  Taking the picture away only lessens the chance that you will have a successful meeting.

If you are into uncomfortable situations then by all means try the Crazy Blind Dating app.  I prefer to keep the element of surprise strictly to presents…you can always return and exchange.  What I can’t get back is my time and the permanent image of Urkainian Sloth out of my head.

Thank you blind dates for the memories…and the nightmares.

-Bev

Bad Dates Come and Go…But Messages Are Forever!


  Bo the Black Swede

Yes, this message is real.  And no, I did not answer.

Along with online dating comes online communicating.  When you are in a bar, men are less likely to come up and try some cheesy pick up line or tell you exactly what’s on their mind.  But online, all caution is thrown to the wind.

The above message is only one of the many disturbing emails I have gotten.  Where do I start?  Does any guy seriously think that a girl is going to swoon over a proposal to be a fuck buddy, “I mean no disrespect”.  That’s ironic because your assumption that I would be interested in that is pretty disrespectful.  Luckily I don’t care and have a good sense of humor.  But be warned men…there is that “REPORT” button and there are people not afraid to use it.

I actually found this to be one of the funniest emails I have ever gotten.  As mentioned yesterday, this is the Black Swedish Sex Addict.  The only reason I mention race is because until recently a black guy in Sweden was about as common as Polio (post 1962).  When I think Scandinavian I picture a giant white guy with blond hair and blue eyes listening to bad techno (is there even good techno?).  So that caught me off guard initially.  But as I read on it only got better!

Boy does this guy have a way with words.  Who wouldn’t want to kick it and have crazy times in and out of bed with a friend with benefit?  Is there only one?  Obviously not because I had already laughed and hadn’t even gotten to his description.  Here’s where he put the hook in, “I’m fun, hung, and love to laugh”.  Now I feel better.  Because I wasn’t sure if I was going to go ahead and claim my benefit if he wasn’t hung.  But then he throws me a curveball, “he doesn’t like to beat under the bush”.  Was that a sexual innuendo?  I don’t know if he was trying to be witty or is just kind of stupid. I’m going to err on the side of caution and go with dumb but let’s also add weird to the list!  How did he manage to go from talking about sex and his penis to Scandinavian pastries???  Again, sexual innuendo?  I guess he was coming with guns fully loaded.  He had one chance and gave it all he got.

As disturbing and funny as this email is, you can tell this guy is not a dick.  He at least has the courtesy to be upfront with what he wants.  He’s also European so I’m attributing some of the weirdness to his culture.  I’ve gotten emails that are just like, “You’re hot.  Let’s get a hotel room now!” or “Honestly, do you like small penises?”.  He at least had a story, some personality, and actually seemed genuine.  My hat is off to you Black Swedish Sex Addict.  You managed to do something creepy in the most honest and nicest way possible.  I still don’t want to hook up with you but I have a little more respect for you.

Please tell me that other people get just as ridiculous emails?  I would love to hear about them!

Silver lining: At least he didn’t ask If I wanted some Negerbollar which translates to Negro balls.  (It’s a Swedish pastry…and actually goes by the more derogatory name in Sweden.  Here’s a link so you can be reassured I’m not a racist: http://superblog2.blogspot.com/2005/01/nazi-chocolate-balls.html )

All this kinky pastry talk has gotten me hungry.  Going to find myself some chocolate balls.  Maybe I should have contacted him after all.

Until tomorrow.

-The Big Baller Bev

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Sexual Predators

Good,Bad, Sexual Predator copy

Just when you thought speed dating was the new awful trend along comes online dating!  What happened to the days when you could meet people at a store, on the street, through work, or getting groceries?  It’s virtually non existent.  Thanks to the digital age, there is hardly human interaction besides hiding behind a computer to “meet” someone.  So in an effort to not be totally isolated, I have tried online dating to put myself out there and be “social”.

I know that online dating has worked for many people, but for me it is so forced!  Sitting through unbearable meals with embarrassing guys, having your date show up and he’s 100 pounds heavier than his picture, and listening to someone talk about themselves for 2 hours is painful.  Dating wrong guy after wrong guy each week is like giving yourself a little bit of poison on a daily basis.  Eventually you will build a tolerance and eventually I’ll meet the right guy.  Or so people say!  Many people I know, including one of my best friends, have met their partners on sites like Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid (let’s be honest…you’re only using E-Harmony if you’re desperate) so it does work.  I may be one to judge initially, but I’ll still always give things a try. So not only have I given online dating one chance, but over the past few years a bunch of chances (for extended periods of time).  The only things you can pretty much rely on from these sites are:

1.  Hot guys will be on there…but they most likely will not contact you.  If you contact them they are unlikely to respond. (This is where the initial blow to your ego comes into play)

2.  Good news!  People will always view your profile and message you.  Bad news: Most of  them are the guys you don’t want to date (socially awkward, unattractive, and boring).

3.  However, there are no worries about feeling unattractive because there’s always that sexual deviant out there who wants to bang you…and will let you know right off the bat.  You might as well go on Meganslaw.com and find a sex offender.  At least they’re registered.

So my experience hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine and it hasn’t been insanely awful either.  I seriously dated one person from a dating site years ago.  He turned out to be a narcissistic disgusting excuse for a human being.  I can say this because he told me he wished his ex girlfriend (from 10 years earlier) was dead so he didn’t have to think about her.  This was right after he broke up with me and told me that breaking up with me wasn’t the worst part of his day.  Finding out his ex had sex was.  Some men are totally oblivious, insensitive, and just outright stupid!  And recently I’ve been encountering a lot of them!

Unfortunately men and women are wired differently so we already have that against us.  How are we supposed to meet decent people out there?!  My answer is luck. It’s a numbers game and getting yourself out there in anyway you can increases your chances.  As much as I am not thrilled about meeting people on websites, you never know who you are going to meet.  Plus I have gotten a lot of great stories from my traumatic yet hysterical dates!

Stay tuned for some ridiculous dating disasters!  Sneak preview: A black swedish sex addict, an off the boat Ukrainian…literally…I met him at Ellis Island, a guy with a wandering eye (where do you look?), a Facebook stalker, and more!

Let’s hear some of your frustrations and stories?  I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing this!

Forever making lemons into Limoncello.  Because after this crap who doesn’t need a drink!

Bottoms up!

-Bev