how i met my first date

Now I can't forget my first date!

Now I can’t forget my first date!

With wedding season in full swing and being the token single girl at every event, it’s hard not to think about dating.  Hearing all the stories about how each couple met, I started thinking about the story of how I will meet my future husband.  Nothing came to mind except the insane story of how I met my first date.

This story is legen-wait for it-dary! And it’s a good representation of my dating experiences thus far.  I may have a cute story when I get married of how I met my husband but my kids will probably know this story just as well.

I started dating on the older side having been too shy and awkward in high school to flirt with a guy let alone go on a date.  Being the “cool girl friend” was more my thing.  “She’s like a dude” was something I actually took as a compliment and was the only straw I could grab at.  So when I finally had my first date I was really nervous.

First, let’s start with how I came to meet this Prince Charming.  I was at dinner with a friend when I started to feel a little under the weather.  We were finishing up when she got a call from her cousin who was at a bar right near her apartment. So we finished dinner and headed to the bar.  I started to sweat and heard my stomach making weird noises as we got out of the cab.  I decided to go up to her apartment while she met up with her cousin, Joe, and I’d catch up with them when I felt a little better.  

I was so sick in the bathroom when I heard the door open.  My friend had come back with Joe and a friend. Perfect.  Her bathroom was directly next to her living room and you could hear everything.  I was trying to get myself together but was still feeling horrible.  Fifteen minutes passed then 25 minutes.  I felt like I had to wait it out until they left.  It was embarrassing at that point to just walk out of the bathroom after a half hour and be like, “Oh, there you guys are. I’ve been looking everywhere!”.  It’s not like it was my apartment either where I could pretend I was in my room. All of a sudden my friend tried to open the bathroom door and I slammed it shut.  She said, “Sorry Bev, I forgot you were here”.  Then you hear men’s voices saying, “Who’s Bev?” Those bastards blew up my spot.  I washed up, threw some water on my face, put the fan on.  Nothing helped.  I walked out so awkwardly trying my best to ignore how terrible I felt and forced a smile. Thankfully the guys were drunk and didn’t notice or care at the moment.    

I was cornered on the small couch by her cousin’s friend who was talking to me an inch from my face.  As he rambled on about something (I could not follow his story), I kept imagining how I must have looked- sweaty with a really uncomfortable look on my face.  The guy was decent looking and nice enough but seemed like he had a screw or two loose.  He reminded me of Cliff O’Malley (Lochlyn Munro) from “Dead Man On Campus”.  I thought he was going to chant, “My name is Cliff.  Brother of Joe.  Got me some crack.  Want me some hoes”.  He didn’t but he did open a beer and then flick the cap directly into my friend’s eye.  She was bleeding from it and he just laughed at first.  Then he felt really bad and tried to help by getting her a cold compress for her eye. Instead he slammed the tray of ice cubes into her face and got ice all over the floor.  On top of that my situation was not improving so I figured this was a good time to sneak out.  I was trying to make my way out as discretely as possible but he popped out of nowhere as I got toward the door.  He would not let me say goodbye and despite my pleading, insisted on escorting me to a cab.

Next thing I knew he was standing next to me in the elevator. I was desperately trying to act casual but I was so scared I was going to fart or vomit on him.  The intense awkward silence didn’t help. As we approached the lobby he asked for my number. I felt put on the spot so I gave it to him. It was raining out so he decided to back out of the grand gesture and headed back upstairs. He opted for the “shout down the hall” goodbye because he couldn’t wait the extra minute for the elevator to come back down. I was too sick and delirious to care about how weird the past two hours had been and found myself a cab. I did not think in a million years he would contact me after that.

I was half right.  He didn’t contact me afterwards until about 3 weeks later.  He texted me to see if I wanted to get dinner that weekend.  I was really weary about going on a date with this guy.  I wasn’t sure if my instincts were right in that he was a chromosome short or I was just nervous to go on a date.  His behavior was so inconsistent and I was so out of it the night I had met him that I wasn’t sure if my perception of him had been off.  So I agreed to meet him for coffee and felt that was a safe first date.

The date.  I arrived a few minutes late and when I finally got to the correct Starbucks, after multiple attempts, I found out that I was a third wheel on my own date.  At the table was my date and a familiar face, my friend’s cousin, Joe.  My date smiled and waved but didn’t get up to say hi.  Joe and I had the most awkward hello. We both went to give a kiss on the cheek and had the embarrassing back and forth before almost kissing on the lips. I sat down and there was silence.  I was blushing from embarrassment and couldn’t really pay attention to the conversation or lack thereof. I can talk to a wall but this was painful.  Joe was trying his best to get my date involved in the conversation but you could see how uncomfortable he was being there.  Who takes a friend on a date? I decided to go get coffee.  All my date said was, “Cool.” He didn’t want anything and didn’t offer to get me something, go with me, or God forbid pay.  So I got up and paid for my coffee.  I got back to the table and sat down. The guys were talking but that faded quickly into another batch of silence.  My date grumbled something about a bar.  I had just gotten my coffee and wanted to finish it. Joe tried to escape but my date protested and screamed, “No!” and grabbed at his jacket. He really knows how to make a girl feel special. So Joe sat back down and we started talking again. About three seconds later my date interrupts us by pounding on the table and says, “We need to get to a bar now.”  He said it around 10 times in a row until we agreed to find one.  

We get to the bar and he immediately got himself a drink.  Again, he didn’t offer to get me anything.  I ordered a soda and he got annoyed that I wasn’t drinking.  I didn’t want to pay or commit to the time it would take to have a drink so I opted for something quick and easy.  It was a different location but same situation.  Joe and I were attempting small talk again while my date downed drinks.  He slammed the glass on the bar and goes, “What is the best thing about twenty eight year old girls?” I said, “What?”  He said, “There are twenty of them.”  The music had faded out towards the end of the joke so it was really quiet in the bar.  People were staring and giving us dirty looks.  He didn’t laugh or make eye contact, he just went back to being silent.  Joe looked so embarrassed and was awkwardly laughing.  I took the pedophile joke as my cue to leave. I said, “It was really nice to meet you but I have to get going.”  He just replied with bye.  Joe had to be like, “You’re not going to walk her to the door?”  He said, “No I’m good”.  Then he begrudgingly got up and walked towards the door.  I turned to say bye and he was in my face trying to kiss me.  Seriously??  My fight or flight reaction kicked in and I tried to flee but tripped over the rug by the door, fell and cut myself.  He headed straight back to the bar and left me annoyed, injured, and with a deep skepticism of dating.  I may have bled out of my knee, but I popped my dating cherry and finally was no longer a virgin to the dating scene.

My first date seems pretty on par with how my dating life panned out.  My story certainly set the bar for horrible dates.  Hopefully that was the worst, although I have had some pretty close seconds.  Who knows, maybe at one of these weddings I’ll meet the man of dreams and have a cute story to tell my children.  But for now I’ll just stick with how I met my first/worst date.

Like sex, dating gets better with time even though there are some bad experiences along the way. It’s what you make of the bad dates that determines how well the next one will go. That’s why I choose to find the humor in the situation rather than focus on how traumatic it was or could have been.

Continuing to make lemons into limoncello.

-Bev

F*CK, MARRY, CLIFF…PICKING THE LESSER OF THREE EVILS

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It’s slim pickings nowadays in the online dating world.  I think the picture above says it all.  I have not been going on many dates lately because I have been contacted by creepy, creepier, and creepiest.  They just progressively get worse.  It’s extremely discouraging and further supports my previous sentiments about online dating but for some reason I am still on the website. I can’t complain, I have gotten some great stories out of it and pictures to boot.

As I looked through the visitors who contacted me, the game Fuck, Marry, Cliff came to mind.  Your friend would name either 3 really awesome people or 3 really awful people and you’d have to pick who you would fuck, who you would marry, and who you would throw off a cliff.  I know it’s a sick game but I didn’t make it up and most people have played it at some point in their life.  So the picture above reminded me of that game and my immediate reaction was to throw myself off the cliff…in every scenario.  I’m sure some of them are great people but that doesn’t mean I have any interest.  Especially when the first impression is an embarrassing screen name, questionable picture, and/or a boring or uncomfortable message.

Let’s examine the average visitor who contacts me from the random sample above.  Okay, Papi Da S. is the least harmless but anyone who refers to themselves in third person as Papi will probably not be my soulmate.  So let’s start with TD.  Was this glamour shot taken before the Key Club Intergenerational Prom or is this just business cas?  Between the tux with the coattails and using the word fancy in his greeting (especially when it is asking if I would be interested in doing something) that’s already two strikes at first glance. Let’s move onto the next Don Juan, Graffin65.   For some reason I automatically assume he’s had a skin graft from looking at his screen name and picture.  Maybe a name change would be advisable.  Nevertheless, he looks like a solid candidate…for a free meth clinic.  Besides the fact that he was probably tweaking in Tompkins Square Park when I was born, he’s almost 20 years older than me.  That would be fine except for the fact that my profile explicitly says I’m looking for someone 28-36.  He was only about a decade off…give or take.  I hope he is on drugs if simple mathematics is a struggle at 48 years old.  I don’t know if we’ve saved the best for last but EagleCross is certainly special.  What really sealed the deal for me was his 1987 Miami Vice getup and the stimulating conversation, “Hi”.  I hope he’s not depending on his wit and good fashion sense to win people over.

Since I’m not someone who avidly looks for dates, I usually only go on the site when someone messages me.  Unfortunately, the characters above are the usual suspects contacting me so last time I took a glance at the visitors section.  I came across a really disturbing profile that put everything into perspective.  Warning: This may not be appropriate for people with sight.

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Yes, that is a tattoo of Jesus and Lucifer on his chest.  Yes, he drinks water on the reg and was a cheerleader in high school.  He’s one bad ass cheerleader.  His pictures may be disturbing but his sob story about his Miniature Dachshund, which seems like an appropriate breed for him, brought some depth and humanity to his character.  His entire profile was one big cliche but I highlighted the most important parts.  He wasn’t even the weirdest guy just the most notable that looked at my profile in the past day.  This made the list of guys who contacted me look better and better each second.  I might have to reevaluate that Fuck, Marry, Cliff game…or just wait until someone who seems like a viable option contacts me.

The one thing I do appreciate about the Goth Cheerleader is that he is realistic.  I think he could tell that we probably weren’t a good fit just by looking at pictures and my profile.  I may have a tattoo on my chest of a devil’s pitchfork busting through a Star of David and only wear leather chaps on Saturdays, but that’s private.  He could probably tell his hair band facade was too hard core for me.  Seriously though, these sites are supposed to be convenient AND help you to avoid meeting someone who has nothing in common with you.  That’s what the short profile is for.  No, my profile does not capture all of me but it is a good starting point to see if we have similar interests and are attracted to each other.  I give a good enough description of who I am and clearly state what I’m looking for.  If you’re too lazy to read or just don’t care then you better have something amazing to grab my attention.  “You’re pretty” and “Hi” don’t quite cut it.  You need to be smart, witty, or so handsome that I couldn’t refuse a date.  All three separately are pretty rare so hoping for a triple threat is pretty unrealistic.

That’s all I’m asking for.  Some realistic expectations.  I don’t think I’m Bar Refaeli but I’m also not contacting someone that looks like David Beckham.  There’s being bold and having courage to contact someone, which I fully support.   And then there’s being completely out of your league.  This is not determined just on looks but intelligence, morals, and interests.  Opposites do attract but there’s at least something that holds a common bond.  So to improve your chances and your self esteem, a good rule is to list three things about the person you like or interests you (besides thinking they’re hot and wanting to bang them) before you make contact or respond.

So if you ever find yourself picking the lesser of two, three, or four evils, do nothing.  Don’t settle!  Someone good for you is out there and if not online then somewhere.  Adjust your expectations of yourself and others and the dating process gets better.  I’ve recently done this for myself and I am actually talking to a few guys with potential.  Now at least I’m having conversations and going on dates with people that I actually want to meet.  If it goes horribly wrong then at least my readers have something to laugh about.

To everyone celebrating Passover, Easter, and Holi- Cheers!  To staying away from the cliff and finding someone you can fuck and marry!  Happy Holidays!

-Bev

Stalking Is The New Black

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Stalking is the new black.  Everyone’s doing it!  Why?  Because it’s extremely convenient thanks to the Internet.  Between websites like Facebook, Google, Linked In, and dating sites, a total stranger can know intimate details about your life.

The web allows us to get information at the touch of a button, which has many benefits.  It’s really helpful for employment, for example.  Whether it’s applying for a job online, posting your resume or CV on a site, or using a contact’s profile to find out their job history, interests, and some personal background.  If you are savvy you can apply this knowledge to find common ground and use that in your communication or approach.  The same can be said for dating.  Let’s say your friend wants to set you up or you are talking to someone of interest online, you can look that person up immediately by going to Facebook or Google.  Having a little bit more insight about a person is never a bad idea and eases your nerves and hesitation.

But on the flip side, this instant access is a lazy stalker’s dream.  Stalking used to involve intelligence, motivation, preparation, and movement of some sort.  Now, any Tom, Dick, or Harry within reach of a computer can find information about your family, location, employment, friends, interests, and the list goes on.  Put in the wrong hands this can be very dangerous as well as a pain in the ass.  Unfortunately I have had the pleasure of dealing with a semi-stalker.

I received a Facebook message from some guy who knew two random people I am “friends” with on the site.  I’m not sure if he thought I was blind or stupid but he pointed out that we had two friends in common.  I am a nice person so I answered but the only appropriate response I could think of was, “Cool”.  After about 10 minutes I get another message, “You’re really beautiful.  Do you have a boyfriend?”  I figured I’m single and this isn’t SO different from online dating so I told him I was not dating at the moment.  BIG MISTAKE.  He proceeded to ask when we were going to go on a date.  One thing I learned from social work is that you need to set boundaries and expectations right away in any relationship.  So I replied that I am single but not looking for anything serious.  He said of course but then proceeded to joke about how he wanted to marry me, more than once.  It made me a little uncomfortable but I figured he was just joking.

His picture was a headshot so I wanted to see what he really looked like.  I went to his profile but it was blocked.  I “friended” him and he would not accept.  I’m thinking why does some guy who wants to date me not want me to see what he looks like?  Maybe because someone who asks you out over Facebook is usually a creep.  But, as I pointed out in an earlier post about men’s low self esteem, He’s Just Not That Into You…Or Himself, he was just extremely insecure.  He told me how he was a few pounds bigger than his picture and didn’t want me to see him until he lost weight, so he wanted to wait for two weeks.  Was this guy taking Jack’s magic beans?  You’re still going to be heavier in two weeks.  His irrational thinking on top of his creepiness should have deterred me but I was lonely and trying to be open minded.  Also, he owned a chain of well-known supermarkets, that will remain nameless, and said he worked on the corporate end.  I figured he has a good job, isn’t completely poor which was different for me, and maybe his pictures were worse than he was in person.  So we decided to hang out as friends so there was no pressure.

The meet up was very relaxed and we just talked, had a beer, and other herbal refreshments.  At first he seemed funny but then he began to brag about how much money he had and his apartment on the Upper West side and then all of a sudden got really intense and he started to cry.  I don’t mean a tear, like a full fledge meltdown.  Being a social worker, I am always apt to try and help someone through a tough time so I sat and spoke to him for hours about his life problems.  He went on about how much he loves his mother and misses her and no girl will ever live up to her (she’s still alive), how he has no friends, trust issues, and is extremely sensitive…everything you want to share with someone you just met.  He was able to self soothe and calm down as I checked my watch repeatedly.  I broke up the party and said I had to go and he asked if I wanted to hang out again.  I wasn’t feeling this guy but he obviously didn’t deal well with rejection and I didn’t want to do that to him or unleash a psychopath on myself.  I was upfront and told him I would go but I didn’t think our relationship could go beyond a friendship and he said he’d be happy to have another friend.  Maybe since he didn’t have any friends he didn’t know what that meant.

A few weeks later, I was extremely stressed and busy as I was producing a pilot.  I would receive a text everyday from him, some disturbing message like “Hey Wifey”, “Can you get me a job?” (what happened to your fancy apartment and supermarket chain), and “I really wish I was with you right now”.  I hung out with him that weekend to get him off my back.  We went to dinner and I paid for my portion and didn’t hold his hand or kiss him when he made those attempts.  I’m not sure how I could have been more clear that I was not interested.  I was home and in bed at 11:00 PM on a Saturday night.  That’s obviously not the sign of a great date (if that’s what he thought it was).  I didn’t contact him after that since we were getting close to the shooting date.  He would hound me every day through Facebook, Text, Email, et cetera and I didn’t get back to him immediately because I was working 24/7.  I then get a ridiculous email from him saying, “You are such a tease.  You’re just like every other Jappy girl in New York City”.  Instead of just ignoring him and leaving it, I felt I had to defend myself.

A)     I am not a Jap.

B)    I don’t live in New York City.

C)    I could not have been more straight-forward about only wanting to be friends.

I explained to him that I don’t have time right now for anyone including myself.  I was working like crazy and barely had slept.  And then pointed out that if he was a friend or ever wanted to be in a relationship then he had to support people in their work.  This was my dream becoming a reality and some guy who I met on Facebook a week before was not going to change that.  He then said, “Well I thought I was part of that dream.  You lead me on so much”.  WOW.  How could you be part of my dream?  I just met you, explicitly said that I was not looking for a relationship, and warded off attempts to become intimate.  Look for the signs buddy.  They were all there.  Sorry you don’t have a job and have some major ADHD along with a debilitating emotional problem.

But I took the high road and said I was sorry he felt that way but I did nothing wrong and he can’t be mad at me for concentrating on work.  He then pointed out that I went out a few nights before.  That’s when it got a little freaky.  Someone had posted pictures from a birthday I went to a few weeks earlier and since he was stalking my profile he immediately assumed I had gone out and was just avoiding him.  He had good foresight but that was not the case at the moment.  He then threatened to hurt himself because of people like me.  Called me a bunch of names including a “harlot” and deactivated his account.  About a week later I get a message from him being like, “Hey what’s up Wifey?”.  I did not respond.  He continued to contact me until a month later FINALLY getting the hint.

I am starting to see why Sting and The Police wrote so many songs about stalkers.  I’ll Be Watching You and Don’t Stand So Close To Me have a whole new meaning.  Like Hansel, I don’t really listen to Sting’s music but the fact that he understands my experience, I respect him.  I’d like to see the relationship between Sting fans and the occurrence of restraining orders filed against them.  My bet is they would have a positive relationship.

Lesson learned.  Never again will I befriend or meet someone in person from Facebook unless I knew he/she prior to the Friend request.  Or date someone that wants to marry their mother.  Either way I’m done dealing with psychos.

Maybe if Supermarket Boy been an old school stalker he wouldn’t have the weight problem that may have caused the extreme emotional issues.  He was going to be a psycho either way but at least he could have been a healthy and fit psycho.  Just because you are a creep doesn’t mean you have to totally give up!  Sidenote: He wore sweatpants the first time I met him.

In the spirit of stalking, I need to head into the city since one of my favorite actresses is in the same part of Mexico.  Dee Reynolds, I’m coming for ya!  But don’t worry, I’m an active and harmless stalker.  I’ll just follow you, buy you drinks and take your picture…the honorable way of stalking.

-Bev

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Sexual Predators

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Just when you thought speed dating was the new awful trend along comes online dating!  What happened to the days when you could meet people at a store, on the street, through work, or getting groceries?  It’s virtually non existent.  Thanks to the digital age, there is hardly human interaction besides hiding behind a computer to “meet” someone.  So in an effort to not be totally isolated, I have tried online dating to put myself out there and be “social”.

I know that online dating has worked for many people, but for me it is so forced!  Sitting through unbearable meals with embarrassing guys, having your date show up and he’s 100 pounds heavier than his picture, and listening to someone talk about themselves for 2 hours is painful.  Dating wrong guy after wrong guy each week is like giving yourself a little bit of poison on a daily basis.  Eventually you will build a tolerance and eventually I’ll meet the right guy.  Or so people say!  Many people I know, including one of my best friends, have met their partners on sites like Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid (let’s be honest…you’re only using E-Harmony if you’re desperate) so it does work.  I may be one to judge initially, but I’ll still always give things a try. So not only have I given online dating one chance, but over the past few years a bunch of chances (for extended periods of time).  The only things you can pretty much rely on from these sites are:

1.  Hot guys will be on there…but they most likely will not contact you.  If you contact them they are unlikely to respond. (This is where the initial blow to your ego comes into play)

2.  Good news!  People will always view your profile and message you.  Bad news: Most of  them are the guys you don’t want to date (socially awkward, unattractive, and boring).

3.  However, there are no worries about feeling unattractive because there’s always that sexual deviant out there who wants to bang you…and will let you know right off the bat.  You might as well go on Meganslaw.com and find a sex offender.  At least they’re registered.

So my experience hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine and it hasn’t been insanely awful either.  I seriously dated one person from a dating site years ago.  He turned out to be a narcissistic disgusting excuse for a human being.  I can say this because he told me he wished his ex girlfriend (from 10 years earlier) was dead so he didn’t have to think about her.  This was right after he broke up with me and told me that breaking up with me wasn’t the worst part of his day.  Finding out his ex had sex was.  Some men are totally oblivious, insensitive, and just outright stupid!  And recently I’ve been encountering a lot of them!

Unfortunately men and women are wired differently so we already have that against us.  How are we supposed to meet decent people out there?!  My answer is luck. It’s a numbers game and getting yourself out there in anyway you can increases your chances.  As much as I am not thrilled about meeting people on websites, you never know who you are going to meet.  Plus I have gotten a lot of great stories from my traumatic yet hysterical dates!

Stay tuned for some ridiculous dating disasters!  Sneak preview: A black swedish sex addict, an off the boat Ukrainian…literally…I met him at Ellis Island, a guy with a wandering eye (where do you look?), a Facebook stalker, and more!

Let’s hear some of your frustrations and stories?  I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing this!

Forever making lemons into Limoncello.  Because after this crap who doesn’t need a drink!

Bottoms up!

-Bev