how i met my first date

Now I can't forget my first date!

Now I can’t forget my first date!

With wedding season in full swing and being the token single girl at every event, it’s hard not to think about dating.  Hearing all the stories about how each couple met, I started thinking about the story of how I will meet my future husband.  Nothing came to mind except the insane story of how I met my first date.

This story is legen-wait for it-dary! And it’s a good representation of my dating experiences thus far.  I may have a cute story when I get married of how I met my husband but my kids will probably know this story just as well.

I started dating on the older side having been too shy and awkward in high school to flirt with a guy let alone go on a date.  Being the “cool girl friend” was more my thing.  “She’s like a dude” was something I actually took as a compliment and was the only straw I could grab at.  So when I finally had my first date I was really nervous.

First, let’s start with how I came to meet this Prince Charming.  I was at dinner with a friend when I started to feel a little under the weather.  We were finishing up when she got a call from her cousin who was at a bar right near her apartment. So we finished dinner and headed to the bar.  I started to sweat and heard my stomach making weird noises as we got out of the cab.  I decided to go up to her apartment while she met up with her cousin, Joe, and I’d catch up with them when I felt a little better.  

I was so sick in the bathroom when I heard the door open.  My friend had come back with Joe and a friend. Perfect.  Her bathroom was directly next to her living room and you could hear everything.  I was trying to get myself together but was still feeling horrible.  Fifteen minutes passed then 25 minutes.  I felt like I had to wait it out until they left.  It was embarrassing at that point to just walk out of the bathroom after a half hour and be like, “Oh, there you guys are. I’ve been looking everywhere!”.  It’s not like it was my apartment either where I could pretend I was in my room. All of a sudden my friend tried to open the bathroom door and I slammed it shut.  She said, “Sorry Bev, I forgot you were here”.  Then you hear men’s voices saying, “Who’s Bev?” Those bastards blew up my spot.  I washed up, threw some water on my face, put the fan on.  Nothing helped.  I walked out so awkwardly trying my best to ignore how terrible I felt and forced a smile. Thankfully the guys were drunk and didn’t notice or care at the moment.    

I was cornered on the small couch by her cousin’s friend who was talking to me an inch from my face.  As he rambled on about something (I could not follow his story), I kept imagining how I must have looked- sweaty with a really uncomfortable look on my face.  The guy was decent looking and nice enough but seemed like he had a screw or two loose.  He reminded me of Cliff O’Malley (Lochlyn Munro) from “Dead Man On Campus”.  I thought he was going to chant, “My name is Cliff.  Brother of Joe.  Got me some crack.  Want me some hoes”.  He didn’t but he did open a beer and then flick the cap directly into my friend’s eye.  She was bleeding from it and he just laughed at first.  Then he felt really bad and tried to help by getting her a cold compress for her eye. Instead he slammed the tray of ice cubes into her face and got ice all over the floor.  On top of that my situation was not improving so I figured this was a good time to sneak out.  I was trying to make my way out as discretely as possible but he popped out of nowhere as I got toward the door.  He would not let me say goodbye and despite my pleading, insisted on escorting me to a cab.

Next thing I knew he was standing next to me in the elevator. I was desperately trying to act casual but I was so scared I was going to fart or vomit on him.  The intense awkward silence didn’t help. As we approached the lobby he asked for my number. I felt put on the spot so I gave it to him. It was raining out so he decided to back out of the grand gesture and headed back upstairs. He opted for the “shout down the hall” goodbye because he couldn’t wait the extra minute for the elevator to come back down. I was too sick and delirious to care about how weird the past two hours had been and found myself a cab. I did not think in a million years he would contact me after that.

I was half right.  He didn’t contact me afterwards until about 3 weeks later.  He texted me to see if I wanted to get dinner that weekend.  I was really weary about going on a date with this guy.  I wasn’t sure if my instincts were right in that he was a chromosome short or I was just nervous to go on a date.  His behavior was so inconsistent and I was so out of it the night I had met him that I wasn’t sure if my perception of him had been off.  So I agreed to meet him for coffee and felt that was a safe first date.

The date.  I arrived a few minutes late and when I finally got to the correct Starbucks, after multiple attempts, I found out that I was a third wheel on my own date.  At the table was my date and a familiar face, my friend’s cousin, Joe.  My date smiled and waved but didn’t get up to say hi.  Joe and I had the most awkward hello. We both went to give a kiss on the cheek and had the embarrassing back and forth before almost kissing on the lips. I sat down and there was silence.  I was blushing from embarrassment and couldn’t really pay attention to the conversation or lack thereof. I can talk to a wall but this was painful.  Joe was trying his best to get my date involved in the conversation but you could see how uncomfortable he was being there.  Who takes a friend on a date? I decided to go get coffee.  All my date said was, “Cool.” He didn’t want anything and didn’t offer to get me something, go with me, or God forbid pay.  So I got up and paid for my coffee.  I got back to the table and sat down. The guys were talking but that faded quickly into another batch of silence.  My date grumbled something about a bar.  I had just gotten my coffee and wanted to finish it. Joe tried to escape but my date protested and screamed, “No!” and grabbed at his jacket. He really knows how to make a girl feel special. So Joe sat back down and we started talking again. About three seconds later my date interrupts us by pounding on the table and says, “We need to get to a bar now.”  He said it around 10 times in a row until we agreed to find one.  

We get to the bar and he immediately got himself a drink.  Again, he didn’t offer to get me anything.  I ordered a soda and he got annoyed that I wasn’t drinking.  I didn’t want to pay or commit to the time it would take to have a drink so I opted for something quick and easy.  It was a different location but same situation.  Joe and I were attempting small talk again while my date downed drinks.  He slammed the glass on the bar and goes, “What is the best thing about twenty eight year old girls?” I said, “What?”  He said, “There are twenty of them.”  The music had faded out towards the end of the joke so it was really quiet in the bar.  People were staring and giving us dirty looks.  He didn’t laugh or make eye contact, he just went back to being silent.  Joe looked so embarrassed and was awkwardly laughing.  I took the pedophile joke as my cue to leave. I said, “It was really nice to meet you but I have to get going.”  He just replied with bye.  Joe had to be like, “You’re not going to walk her to the door?”  He said, “No I’m good”.  Then he begrudgingly got up and walked towards the door.  I turned to say bye and he was in my face trying to kiss me.  Seriously??  My fight or flight reaction kicked in and I tried to flee but tripped over the rug by the door, fell and cut myself.  He headed straight back to the bar and left me annoyed, injured, and with a deep skepticism of dating.  I may have bled out of my knee, but I popped my dating cherry and finally was no longer a virgin to the dating scene.

My first date seems pretty on par with how my dating life panned out.  My story certainly set the bar for horrible dates.  Hopefully that was the worst, although I have had some pretty close seconds.  Who knows, maybe at one of these weddings I’ll meet the man of dreams and have a cute story to tell my children.  But for now I’ll just stick with how I met my first/worst date.

Like sex, dating gets better with time even though there are some bad experiences along the way. It’s what you make of the bad dates that determines how well the next one will go. That’s why I choose to find the humor in the situation rather than focus on how traumatic it was or could have been.

Continuing to make lemons into limoncello.

-Bev

He’s Just Not That Into Himself…A Guide to Men’s Overcompensation

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There is a misconception that women are the insecure gender. Yes, girls criticize themselves and are socialized to believe if we’re not supermodels then we’re not attractive or perfect just the way we are. But what about men? No one ever discusses the insecurities that plague men because if a guy shows weakness he’s looked down upon or called a pussy. By no means do I want a guy who is crying all the time but being in touch with your feelings is not a bad thing! How can you be secure if you are not honest with how you feel about yourself?  The answer is NOT all men are secure.

I didn’t conduct an experiment with a control group but my exposure to men has lead me to this conclusion.  Since I began online dating again, I’ve noticed that most of the guys I am talking to have something in common, low self esteem.  However, it would not appear that way to the naked eye.  Many come off as cocky and overcompensate whether it’s how much money they have or how far along in their career they believe they are.  But it’s those little comments and gestures that blow their poker face.

Let me give you a clear example:

I was talking to this guy, we’ll call him Peter Griffin (explanation to follow), and he immediately asked me if I liked his pictures.  Peter had actually contacted me on another site a few years back and used the same pictures so I knew these were not recent.  There was the first hint of deception.  The old picture.  This will probably come up in every post but, come on, if you don’t look like your picture then don’t post it!  Then he asked me if I look like my pictures.  He pressed this topic for a while as I reassured him I wasn’t a 56 year old man pleasuring himself at the public library computer.  He kept talking about how we were both really good looking people (and pointed out how people tell him he’s handsome all the time).  He then pat himself on the back for his sexual prowess.  Peter noted quite a few times how long he could go for yet he hadn’t asked for my name yet.  I agreed to go out with him because he lives close and has a Labradoodle (as do I).  I thought, if nothing else, I would have another friend at the dog park.

The date.  Peter Griffin took me to a cafe that was cute but more so for meeting an old friend for coffee.  This was Saturday night and the nicest meal they had on the menu was a burger and fries.  But he was classy, he brought champagne, Korbel, and had it chilling for my arrival.  As I expected, he did not look like his pictures.  Coincidently his first question was, “So, do I look like my pics?”.  What am I supposed to say?  No, you have less hair, are 50 pounds heavier, and might be batting for the other team.  Then he went on to tell me about his new exercise regimen and low carb diet (he offered me some dieting tips…yup), what he had for lunch, what he has for lunch on a regular work day, and how he already feels lighter and more energetic.  Peter didn’t forget to mention the amazing apartment he has and how much money it costs, the new cars he gets every year (from a Hassidic family in Brooklyn?), and how he’s a “musician”.  FYI, owning a guitar and singing along with the radio does not make you a musician.

I hate goodbyes but this one I was looking forward to.  As we’re walking out he offers to drive me to my apartment since he thoughtfully picked a place that was closer to his apartment.  Unfortunately I don’t live in a city that you can just hail a cab so I decided to take him up on his offer…among other things.  He said he had to go into his apartment to get his keys.  He showed off his mediocre apartment, okay the view was amazing but this was nothing compared to what he made it seem.  He kept trying to show me his room and his king sized bed.  As deeply impressed as I was by his ability to furnish an apartment, I wasn’t that interested and wanted to get home.  I asked to use the bathroom and when I came out he called to me from his bedroom.  I walked in to find him laying on his bed naked (Castanza portrait-esq).  I was speechless, not because of his ballsy assumption that I’d want to have sex with him but that he looked so much like Peter Griffin from that episode of Family Guy where Peter’s bones disintegrate and he’s just a huge blob of fat.  I swear, the resemblance was uncanny!  He started to stretch and flex his leg to show off his assets.  He actually said, “Come feel.  I’m all muscle” and I couldn’t help but think “Under which layer of skin and fat?”.  I have nothing against overweight people but the way this guy spoke of himself you would think you were on a date with David Beckham, not the complete opposite.  As much as I enjoy awkward moments, this one needed to end.

But the journey continued.  I asked if he minded taking me home because I wasn’t feeling well, AKA was nauseous from the mental image of his naked body ingrained in my memory.  So he gets his clothes and brings them to the bathroom to dress (because being naked was ok but seeing him dress was off limits).  Then he was telling me how handy he is around the apartment and how he installed everything himself.  I inquired about the ceiling fan that was hanging from a wire and was one door slam away from crashing to the ground.  He conveniently didn’t work on that one. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, we get to the car and he puts on Nickelback and starts belting out “Never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing”.  I was embarrassed for him.  It was mostly his pride in liking bands like Nickelback and knowing every lyric to the songs as well as the key changes.  It didn’t stop there- he informed me that he just learned how to play this gem on the guitar!  Because hearing you play it will make it sound better, right?

Peter Griffin was just a walking contradiction. This guy had cajones!  Not only did he strip naked and try to seduce me but I was able to call him out on every lie and exaggeration that came out of his mouth.  To me he screamed insecure!  In an attempt to overcompensate for his shortcomings he came off as self conscious of his appearance, his finances, his masculinity, sexual capacity, and his musical ability (or lack there of).  Note that this behavior is typical for people with low self esteem.  Masking it with a facade only goes so far.  Your true nature will always show as it did in the Family Guy episode with the real Peter Griffin and now with the fake Peter Griffin, case in point.

To the nervous daters out there, you are not alone.  No one is completely secure but the more you confront these insecurities the better chance you have of overcoming them.  Don’t let these over confident personalities fool you.  Just because issues may not be visible right away doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Like a braless girl in a see through shirt, you might be covered in fabric but we can still see your nipples.

Do: Live a naked life.  Be honest with yourself and your feelings.

Don’t: Actually get naked…especially as a surprise after the first date.  That’s one jack we don’t need popping out of the box.

A toast to living naked because eventually you will have to strip and bare all.

Stay Tuned!

-Bev

Online Blind Dating: Adding Insult to Injury

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What happens when a dating site blocks all pictures?  CHAOS!!!  And probably a major decline in traffic.  Let’s be honest.  Most people on dating websites are there to find people they’re attracted to, at least initially.  The profile serves as a supplement but many users don’t even take a glimpse at your efforts to be witty, sexy, and attractive through the written word.  Recently, one of these dating sites implemented a “Crazy Blind Dating” app and blocked all pictures for a whole day.  People went nuts and were writing really hostile statuses while probably 1% of the site was ok with it.  Newsflash- That 1% probably never shows a picture.  Personally, I think they should implement a day when you HAVE to show a picture…and one that’s not a decade old. My assumption is that this new app is not a huge hit and someone is probably jobless.

Why would you choose to go on a blind date when you can see what they look like?  Blind dates served a purpose when you were unable to show a picture but we’re not in 1989 or in North Korea.  Dating online is awkward enough, I don’t think it needs blind dating to add another element of surprise.  And from personal experience, they are usually shocking and not in a good way.

My friends and parents (ahem MOTHER) try to set me up all the time.  My grandma is the worst though.  She always tries to set me up with an orthodox cousin at some family function.  Brings a new meaning to “keeping it in the family”.  Flattered, but not interested.  I did however go on a few blind dates that support my stance on the subject.

My top three blind date stories:

1.  I was set up with a friend of a friend’s brother because we were both single in New York.  Usually that is a starting off point for commonalities but that’s all the information I got about him besides his age and location.  We were off to a great stop, but I agreed to go because hey, you never know!  Plus I figured my friend knows me enough to judge if I’d be a good fit with someone.  So, I got to the bar early and got a bar table.  All of a sudden a surge of men came in, one better looking than the next.  Some would glance at me and I’d get excited but they would either walk by or wave to someone they know.  Then a short potbelly guy with an acid washed shirt and fleece vest walks in and my stomach sank.  I was thinking, “Please don’t be my date, please don’t be my date”.  Then I hear, “Bev?”.  Despite every instinct I had to walk out, I stayed and gave him a chance.  Maybe he had a really good personality or was really funny?  Nope, the only thing good about him was his appetite.  I had to sit through an entire dinner with him, having only ordered a salad while he ordered the left side of the menu.  When the check comes I always offer to pay but before I had the chance to he asked if we could split it.  Then the check came back and there were $3.00 to split.  He pocketed the $2.00 and was like, “Here you want this?” and slid the dollar over to me.  Thanks for your generosity but you definitely need that more than I do.  Needless to say, we never spoke again.

2.  I get a call from my Mom and had no idea what I was getting myself into by picking up the phone.  She was standing with her friend’s son and his fiance and asked me in front of them if I wanted to get set up with the girl’s brother.  I got the whole pitch and got cornered into saying yes.  The girl was standing next to my mother describing her brother and could probably hear our phone conversation.  I couldn’t say no!  So I agree to meet him and again go to a bar to meet.  I had a hard day so needed a drink before he came.  When he showed up he said hi and then went straight to the bar.  Despite noticing my empty glass he did not offer to order me a drink.  Strike 1.  Then he sits down and I immediately notice his wandering eye (maybe he didn’t notice the empty glass after all).  It might have been nice to have mentioned that minor detail.  I had no idea where he was looking the entire time.  What was more off putting was that he was cocky and had an attitude.  Strike 2.  He had his phone out the entire time and was texting.  Then after he finished his drink (which was probably 10 minutes later) he picks his phone up- it didn’t ring or buzz- and tells me he has to leave for a work emergency.  Before I could get my coat on and look up he was halfway across the street running like his ass was on fire.  Strike 3!!

3.  The Ukrainian.  This was right after I had a bad break up with someone I had dated from Jdate.  So I immediately went back online to try and get my mind off of him by dating right away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention to who I was actually agreeing to meet.  With the Ukrainian, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore and they bit me in the ass.  First, he barely wrote anything in his two emails and had a sparse profile.  Second, he lived with his parents in Brooklyn (at age 29).  Third, his picture was about 500 feet away standing next to an American Flag pole.  That should have deterred me off the bat.  But I go to meet him outside Barnes and Noble in Union Square and see a guy with a striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies and, of course, that was my date.  I had that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t just leave him there so I went and introduced myself.  We decided to go to a bar as opposed to dinner.  I could not understand a word he was saying because he spoke broken English with a thick Ukrainian accent.  So the conversation was a lot of “sorry what?” and dead silence.  The bar was loud and crowded which didn’t help.  What I could tell was that we had nothing in common and a lack of conversation.  We get to the bar and I order a Kettle One and club soda.  He goes, “Thank god, I thought you were going to order vodka”.  That was my cue to go.

I saved the Ukrainian for last because that was the closest thing to an online blind date.  It was the worst date I’ve ever had and probably will ever have.  Now thinking back, that flagpole picture was probably when he literally got off the boat to Ellis Island.  If that was any indicator of what online blind dates would be like, then count me out.

Lesson learned: Photos, a profile, and an email are barely enough to know someone before a regular date.  Taking the picture away only lessens the chance that you will have a successful meeting.

If you are into uncomfortable situations then by all means try the Crazy Blind Dating app.  I prefer to keep the element of surprise strictly to presents…you can always return and exchange.  What I can’t get back is my time and the permanent image of Urkainian Sloth out of my head.

Thank you blind dates for the memories…and the nightmares.

-Bev

Bad Dates Come and Go…But Messages Are Forever!


  Bo the Black Swede

Yes, this message is real.  And no, I did not answer.

Along with online dating comes online communicating.  When you are in a bar, men are less likely to come up and try some cheesy pick up line or tell you exactly what’s on their mind.  But online, all caution is thrown to the wind.

The above message is only one of the many disturbing emails I have gotten.  Where do I start?  Does any guy seriously think that a girl is going to swoon over a proposal to be a fuck buddy, “I mean no disrespect”.  That’s ironic because your assumption that I would be interested in that is pretty disrespectful.  Luckily I don’t care and have a good sense of humor.  But be warned men…there is that “REPORT” button and there are people not afraid to use it.

I actually found this to be one of the funniest emails I have ever gotten.  As mentioned yesterday, this is the Black Swedish Sex Addict.  The only reason I mention race is because until recently a black guy in Sweden was about as common as Polio (post 1962).  When I think Scandinavian I picture a giant white guy with blond hair and blue eyes listening to bad techno (is there even good techno?).  So that caught me off guard initially.  But as I read on it only got better!

Boy does this guy have a way with words.  Who wouldn’t want to kick it and have crazy times in and out of bed with a friend with benefit?  Is there only one?  Obviously not because I had already laughed and hadn’t even gotten to his description.  Here’s where he put the hook in, “I’m fun, hung, and love to laugh”.  Now I feel better.  Because I wasn’t sure if I was going to go ahead and claim my benefit if he wasn’t hung.  But then he throws me a curveball, “he doesn’t like to beat under the bush”.  Was that a sexual innuendo?  I don’t know if he was trying to be witty or is just kind of stupid. I’m going to err on the side of caution and go with dumb but let’s also add weird to the list!  How did he manage to go from talking about sex and his penis to Scandinavian pastries???  Again, sexual innuendo?  I guess he was coming with guns fully loaded.  He had one chance and gave it all he got.

As disturbing and funny as this email is, you can tell this guy is not a dick.  He at least has the courtesy to be upfront with what he wants.  He’s also European so I’m attributing some of the weirdness to his culture.  I’ve gotten emails that are just like, “You’re hot.  Let’s get a hotel room now!” or “Honestly, do you like small penises?”.  He at least had a story, some personality, and actually seemed genuine.  My hat is off to you Black Swedish Sex Addict.  You managed to do something creepy in the most honest and nicest way possible.  I still don’t want to hook up with you but I have a little more respect for you.

Please tell me that other people get just as ridiculous emails?  I would love to hear about them!

Silver lining: At least he didn’t ask If I wanted some Negerbollar which translates to Negro balls.  (It’s a Swedish pastry…and actually goes by the more derogatory name in Sweden.  Here’s a link so you can be reassured I’m not a racist: http://superblog2.blogspot.com/2005/01/nazi-chocolate-balls.html )

All this kinky pastry talk has gotten me hungry.  Going to find myself some chocolate balls.  Maybe I should have contacted him after all.

Until tomorrow.

-The Big Baller Bev

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Sexual Predators

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Just when you thought speed dating was the new awful trend along comes online dating!  What happened to the days when you could meet people at a store, on the street, through work, or getting groceries?  It’s virtually non existent.  Thanks to the digital age, there is hardly human interaction besides hiding behind a computer to “meet” someone.  So in an effort to not be totally isolated, I have tried online dating to put myself out there and be “social”.

I know that online dating has worked for many people, but for me it is so forced!  Sitting through unbearable meals with embarrassing guys, having your date show up and he’s 100 pounds heavier than his picture, and listening to someone talk about themselves for 2 hours is painful.  Dating wrong guy after wrong guy each week is like giving yourself a little bit of poison on a daily basis.  Eventually you will build a tolerance and eventually I’ll meet the right guy.  Or so people say!  Many people I know, including one of my best friends, have met their partners on sites like Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid (let’s be honest…you’re only using E-Harmony if you’re desperate) so it does work.  I may be one to judge initially, but I’ll still always give things a try. So not only have I given online dating one chance, but over the past few years a bunch of chances (for extended periods of time).  The only things you can pretty much rely on from these sites are:

1.  Hot guys will be on there…but they most likely will not contact you.  If you contact them they are unlikely to respond. (This is where the initial blow to your ego comes into play)

2.  Good news!  People will always view your profile and message you.  Bad news: Most of  them are the guys you don’t want to date (socially awkward, unattractive, and boring).

3.  However, there are no worries about feeling unattractive because there’s always that sexual deviant out there who wants to bang you…and will let you know right off the bat.  You might as well go on Meganslaw.com and find a sex offender.  At least they’re registered.

So my experience hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine and it hasn’t been insanely awful either.  I seriously dated one person from a dating site years ago.  He turned out to be a narcissistic disgusting excuse for a human being.  I can say this because he told me he wished his ex girlfriend (from 10 years earlier) was dead so he didn’t have to think about her.  This was right after he broke up with me and told me that breaking up with me wasn’t the worst part of his day.  Finding out his ex had sex was.  Some men are totally oblivious, insensitive, and just outright stupid!  And recently I’ve been encountering a lot of them!

Unfortunately men and women are wired differently so we already have that against us.  How are we supposed to meet decent people out there?!  My answer is luck. It’s a numbers game and getting yourself out there in anyway you can increases your chances.  As much as I am not thrilled about meeting people on websites, you never know who you are going to meet.  Plus I have gotten a lot of great stories from my traumatic yet hysterical dates!

Stay tuned for some ridiculous dating disasters!  Sneak preview: A black swedish sex addict, an off the boat Ukrainian…literally…I met him at Ellis Island, a guy with a wandering eye (where do you look?), a Facebook stalker, and more!

Let’s hear some of your frustrations and stories?  I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing this!

Forever making lemons into Limoncello.  Because after this crap who doesn’t need a drink!

Bottoms up!

-Bev